It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet. Why don't you have a seat?"

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

"Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it!"

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby so he asks Carrie's dad to please repeat himself.

"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:

"Dad, it's called the twist !"

this really sucks

Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."

They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more.

"I'm so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one.

"Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.

"OK," said the first.

So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat came by and gobbled them up.

As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...

"I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS."

- see, i told ya it really sucked.

another plethora of senility

Reporter interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" The reporter asked.

She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

- -----------------------------------------

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

- -----------------------------------------

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"

"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."

"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.

She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"

------------------------------------------------

I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.

But..... Thank God, I Still have my Florida driver's license!

------------------------------------------------

A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."

"Sir," replied the doctor, "you're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?"

"You're damned right it is!" Replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"

---------------------------------------------

God, grant me the senility To forget the people I never liked anyway, The good fortune To run into the ones I do, And the eyesight to tell the difference.

---------------------------------------------

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.

"Bloomingdales!" The rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

alabama state engineering entrance exam

I am sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South. I challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam administered by the University of Alabama Engineering Department:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?

a '65 Ford Fairlane,

a '69 Chevrolet Chevelle or

a '64 Pontiac GTO.

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acre! s in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a Kentucky house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

9. A coal mine operates an NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?

the first dinner with her family...

A girl asked her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this was such a big event, the girl announced to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy was ecstatic, but he had never had sex before, so he went to the pharmacy to get some condoms.

The pharmacist helped the boy for about an hour. He told the boy everything there was to know about condoms and sex.

At the cash register, the pharmacist asked the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insisted on the family pack because he thought he would be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy showed up at the girl's parents house and met his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents," she said. "Come on in!"

The boy went inside and was led to the dinner table where the girl's parents were seated. The boy quickly offered to say grace and bowed his head.

A minute passed, and the boy was still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes passed, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leaned over and whispered to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turned and whispered back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

some dictionerry definitions

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

always behave for the nurses...

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to go get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" She left the door to his room open on her way out.

He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing. After a half hour, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confessed, "Not with a carnation."

weekend cooking

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" she asks. He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says.. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires.

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like maybe a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "Naw, still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving!"

cheat sheet for west virginia med school students

Benign.................What you be after you be eight.

Bacteria...............Back door to cafeteria.

Barium.................What you do with dead folks.

Cesarean Section.......A neighborhood in Rome.

Catscan................Searching for the cat.

Cauterize...........Made eye contact with her.

Colic...............A sheep dog.

Coma................A punctuation mark.

D&C.................Where Washington is.

Dilate..............To live longer than your kids do.

Enema..............Not a friend.

Fester.............Quicker than someone else.

Fibula.............A small lie.

G.I.Series.........World Series of military baseball.

Hangnail...........What you hang your coat on.

Impotent............Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain..........Getting hurt at work.

Morbid..............A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates............Cheaper than day rates.

Medical Staff.......A Doctor's cane, sometimes shown with a snake.

Node.....................I knew it.

Outpatient...............A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear................A fatherhood test.

Pelvis...................Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative...........A letter carrier.

Recovery Room....Place to do upholstery.

Secretion........Hiding something

Tablet...........A small table to change babies on.

Seizure..........Roman emperor who lived in the Ceasarean Section.

Terminal Illness....Getting sick at the train station.

Tumor...............More than one.

Urine...............Opposite of mine.

Varicose............Near by

Hospital............The biggest building in town, other than Joe's feed warehouse or Frank's

enough frivolity, time for some social commentary...

The chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied,

"When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.

crossing a river (warning - sexist content)

One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.

The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river.

"Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times.

Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength... and the tools to cross this river.

"Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.

The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools... and the intelligence... to cross this river."

And Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.

hunting season

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was my cousin and you've got two choices... Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

After considering briefly, Frank decided to accede to the latter alternative. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.

He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but, then, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him very sadly and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

changing a light bulb

Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb? A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY?

Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb!

They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!!

They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out.

And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS!

But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!

AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!!

BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!!

IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!!

IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS DAMNED HOUSE!

I'm sorry.... What was the question?

dinner date

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!!

"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "

"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye. "

helpful household hints

If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Avoid arguments with the misses about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the toothache.

You need only two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

If you woke up breathing, Congratulations! You have another chance!

Be really good to your family and friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

medical test results

Mr. Smith went to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. The lab technician said to him, "I'm sorry, sir but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, it is either bad news or terrible news!"

"What do you mean?" said Mr. Smith.

"Well... one Mrs. Smith tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other Mrs. Smith has tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife's test."

"That's terrible!" said Mr. Smith. "Can we do the test over?"

"Normally, yes. But you have Blue Cross Health Care, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?" asked Mr. Smith.

"Blue Cross Health Care recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."

today's sunday school lesson

The Nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one Sunday morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven ... which part of your body goes first?" Suzie raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzie?"

Suzie replied: "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first!"

"What a wonderful answer!" the Nun said.

Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs."

With a strange look on her face, The Nun said, "Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"

Johnny said, "Well, when I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God, I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't had her pinned down, we'd have lost her."

love is in the air...

A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, expecting to see some pitiful yankee queer.

The bartender looks up and says "You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asks, "What the heck do you do in Iowa?"

"I'm a taxidermist."

"A taxidermist? Now, just what the heck is a taxidedrmist?"

The guy answers nervously, "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "Its okay, boys, he's one of us!"

how to deal with @$$holes

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying, "Hello". I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin. Could I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number.After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?" He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window - so, I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole, (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole too.I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes. I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an asshole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.

So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.

"Hello."

"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up).

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beemer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."

Then I called Asshole #2.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, asshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are?"

"You'll what?" I said.

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance . I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th Street. There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew.

be happy

I am passing this on to you because it works!

By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace. It read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."

I looked around to see all the things I started and hadn't finished...

So, today I have finished one small bottle of vodka, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of JackDaniel's, my Prozac, a small box of chocolates and a half-gallon of Baskin Robbins rocky road.

You have no idea how good I feel.

keeping it clean...

Dear Tide,

I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it since the beginning of my married life, when my Mom told me it was the best. Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even better!

In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was and generally started becoming a pain in the ass.

One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!

In fact, the stains came out so well that some detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests were negative and my attorney said that I would no longer be considered a suspect!

I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people...

Signed,

A relieved menopausal wife

proper bathroom etiquette

A very proper lady began planning a week's camping vacation for her and her Baptist Church group. She wrote to a campground for reservations. She wanted to make sure that the campground was fully equipped and modern, but couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. So, she decided on the old-fashioned term "Bathroom Commode."

Once written down she still was not comfortable. Finally she decided on the abbreviation "B.C." and wrote, "does your campground have its own "B.C.?"

When the campground owner received the letter, he couldn't figure out what she meant by "B.C." He showed it to several of the campers, one of whom suggested the lady was obviously referring to a Baptist Church since there was a letterhead on the paper which referred to a Baptist Church. So he sent this reply.

Dear Madam:

The B.C. is located nine miles from the camp ground in a beautiful grove of trees. I admit it is quite a distance if you are in the habit of going regularly.

No doubt you will be pleased to know that it will seat 350 people at one time, and it is open on Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday of each week.

Some folks like to take their lunch and make a day of it.

The acoustics are very good, so everyone can hear even the quietest passages.

It may interest you to know that my daughter met her husband there.

We are also having a fund-raiser to purchase new seats, as the old ones have holes in them.

Unfortunately my wife is ill and has not been able to attend regularly. It's been a good six months since she last went. It pains her very much not to be able to go more often. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, especially in cold weather.

Perhaps I could accompany you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks who will be there.

I look forward to your visit.

We offer a very friendly campground.

a blonde cowboy walks into town...

A sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, a handkerchief, gun, and his boots, so the sheriff arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up he asks, "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

The cowboy replies, "Well, it's like this, Sheriff. I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asks me to go out to her motor home with her and I did.

"We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt, so I did...

"Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants, so I did...

"Then she pulls off her underwear and asks me to pull off my shorts, so I did...

"Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of funny and says, 'Now go to town, Cowboy...'

"So Here I Am!"

the first 3 letters of "funeral"

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.

When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral; I'm a gynecologist." And that's when the proctologist fainted.

why it's better to be a man

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You don't care if someone notices your new haircut.

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too "icky".

Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

One mood, ALL the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You can kill your own food.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.

You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking: "He must be mad at me."

You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

quarter recall

Arkansas State Quarter Recall

BULLETIN - WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Hang on to any of the new State of Arkansas quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The U.S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the Arkansas quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state.

"We are recalling all the new Arkansas quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday.

"This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices". The quarters were issued in the order in which the various states joined the U.S. and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide.

"The problem lies in the unique design of the Arkansas quarter, which was created by a University of Arkansas graduate," Shackleford said. "Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."

oops...

While attending a Seminar on communication, Wally and his wife Carolyn listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Wally leaned over, touched Carolyn's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

And thus began Wally's life of celibacy.

flying to north malden...

The plane is on its way to North Malden when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies: "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, I'm going to North Malden, and I'm staying right here!"

The flight attendant goes to the cockpit and tells the Captain and Copilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and she will not move back to her seat.

The Copilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave First Class and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, I'm going to North Malden, and I am going to sit right here."

The Copilot returns to the cockpit and tells the Captain that he should have the police waiting when they land to arrest the blonde woman as she won't listen to reason.

The Captain says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde, and I can speak blonde."

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," and she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section. The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss. "I told her that First Class isn't going to North Malden."

on another flight to north malden...

A mother and her young son were flying North Malden Airlines from Kansas City to North Malden. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the little boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The little boy said, "Yes she did."

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because North Malden Airlines always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."